great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
