My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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