The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
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