NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
