So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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