woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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