wakey wakey hands off snakey
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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