All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
