My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
