You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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