She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
