how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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