so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
