omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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