i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i will never coherently bang her
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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