You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
This is my gift to your gina
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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