You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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