did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
