she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
