Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize