I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
