well I can't set my house on fire every night
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
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