Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
