why didn't you poke me back
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
