I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
be right there i have to get my cape
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
