"it" just moved
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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