I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
