you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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