dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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