grandma shit on top of the toilet
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Randomize
