i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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