Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
