I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
