the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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