how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
