You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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