puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
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