can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
