Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Randomize
