he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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