Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Randomize
