I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Randomize
