I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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