...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
