so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Randomize
