I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
