I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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