tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
