Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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