I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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