You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
