6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Randomize
