My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
