I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
