Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I think i got beer on your cat.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize