Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Nobody cheats on THIS.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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