So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
