Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
