What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I smell like Dick and happiness
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
