someone get that fucking seahorse.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
