party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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