Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize