why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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