That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
