Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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