You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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